We won't sleep together?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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