i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
