when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
