So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
