ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
