you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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