i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
being pregnant is like rehab
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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