you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
