The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
