If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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