So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
