hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
