If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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