I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
