What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
