I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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