I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
