listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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