I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
