from now on my penis is your penis
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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