never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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