He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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