i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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