I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
