just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Randomize
