I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
