First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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