I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
