I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
