How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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