my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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