You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
