i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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