Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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