TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
