i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
