he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
