On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
