btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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