I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
