the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
