just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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