Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
