My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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