shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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