Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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