Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
