conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
