I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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