i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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