Fine. I'll sleep in my office
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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